I'm Still Around

Long time no blog, I know. I've been focusing on my other blog, and this one has been ignored. But, I'm still blogging here, just not as often.

Still been seeing my psychiatrist once a month, and now a therapist once a week. My psychiatrist finally prescribed me Busbar for my anxiety, which has been helpful, though I think it could be more so. I'm hoping she'll increase it when I see her this week. My therapist has been helpful, she's decided to try a different type of therapy with me than other therapists have used in the past. I can't recall the name of it, but in the past they've all tried cognitive therapy with me, which hasn't worked so well. Basically cognitive therapy centers around the concept that what you think determines how you feel and if you change your thinking you will change how you feel. Not so effective with me. My feelings are so rooted in past experiences and are so all pervasive that my therapist believes I need to talk through the experiences and traumas that caused these feelings to arise in the first place.

So, we'll see how that goes. I'm willing to try anything at this point cuz I just can't live like this.

Since we're on the topic of mental health I wanted to share an article that I found, '10 Common Myths About Clinical Depression.' There are so many misconceptions out there surrounding mental illness such as we can just 'think positive' and snap out of it, or that our depression is the result of weaknesses or flaws. The only way that these misconceptions can be eradicated is if people educate themselves. This is especially crucial if you have a friend or family member that suffers from mental illness as you can unintentionally make things worse out of ignorance. Sometimes well-meaning people try to 'help' but instead cause harm simply because they don't understand the nature of the illness.

If you want to find out more there are many, many wonderful sites, among them the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH).

In other news, I feel so bad for my eldest daughter. Her dad and stepmother are always yelling at her cuz she doesn't come see them enough, yet she doesn't have a car, and I'm not always available to drive her. They refuse to help her get a car and they refuse to come out here and pick her up. They supposedly want to see her yet they can't be bothered to drive 15 minutes to come pick her up. Whatever. So, they stress her out over it while they sit back and do nothing to encourage a relationship with her. They also yell at her cuz she doesn't contact them enough, yet they never call her unless it's to yell at her for not coming to see them or because her grades aren't good enough. She said to me last night, "Only one man has ever broken my heart and it's my own father." It made me want to cry for her. And give him a piece of my mind, but I already did that a while back when he got in my face and that did no good whatsoever. He's too busy blaming me and being angry at me and being passive aggressive to be an actual father to her.

I just want to shake him and say, "Get over it already! Can't you see what you're missing?" I mean, aside from the fact that he can't get over his issues with me, he's so busy bitching about her grades, which aren't that bad, to see that she's a great kid. She's not out partying and using drugs or having sex and getting knocked up. She's smart and funny and fun to be around. She's responsible and very mature and has a strong work ethic. Yet he can't see any of that. She's told me several times that when she graduates and he stops paying child support and she's under no legal obligation to go see him that she doesn't plan to spend any time over there. And I don't blame her. I just feel so bad for her. I wish he would see the wonderful young woman that he's missing. She needs a father desperately and he's so far from being one it breaks my heart.

Well, that's enough blather for today. I'm off.

Laters!

A Whole Lotta Nothin'

Ok, first off can I just ask why it is that some songs on my iPod come on 10 times louder than all the other songs? For some reason, the Beatles, Nirvana, and all the Across the Universe songs on my iPod are like that and I don't know why. It deafens me every time it happens cuz I like my metal loud! So, I'll be blaring some Godsmack and pretty soon on comes some Beatles song and I'm deaf for 5 minutes. WTF?

The funny part is that my daughter was the one who put all the Beatles songs on it and I'm the one that added the Godsmack. Here you'd think the turning-40-in-3-years mother would have put the oldies on there but no it was my teenager. She's also the one who put the Doors on there. Go figure.

So, I'm sitting here in the dark in peace and quiet blaring Eazy-E's 'Boys in the Hood' cuz I have the house to myself for the night!! My kids are off either working or with friends and I am enjoying the house to myself. On the schedule for tonight is: music, blogging, reading blogs, then watching Sleepy Hollow a bit later. I also have Burn After Reading to watch but don't know if I'll get to that tonight. Have I mentioned lately how much I love Netflix? My only problem is it takes me forever to get the movies in the mail after I watch them.

Now I'm onto Hi-C's 'Froggy Style.' Not Hi-C the fruit drink, the rapper. I love me some rap, but only old school rap. The newer R&B and rap that's out sucks (I mean come on, Kanye West and Kid Cudi, give me a break) but give me some NWA, Nate Dogg, Ice Cube, DJ Quick or AMG and I'm all over that shit.

Ok then, well I've got stuff to do before my kids return so I'm off!

A Little Energized

So my daughter is back on her meds and back in school, which has brought me untold relief. At the moment I am listening to some music and celebrating some time to myself after a very, very rough 3 weeks.

Like most women I am a multi-tasker but I can't multi-task nearly as much as I'd like. For instance, I'd love to be able to read, watch a DVD, listen to music, and clean my kitchen all at the same time but as talented as I am, I am just not that talented. I have the energy for it seeing as how I'm jumping through my ceiling, but I just can't physically or mentally perform all those things at the same time.

For a while I was watching Angel, which is an awesome show, but after a few episodes I had to listen to some music so now I'm at the puter blogging and listening to Spiderbait's Black Betty. Oh, and if you hadn't noticed, I have no kids. Woo-hoo! And now I just can't decide what to do. Music is awesome but there are books I want to read and I've been dying to watch the Kill Bill movies for a while now. But I have to sleep at some point. Unfortunately.

Ok, I just have to go, there's just way too much to be done.

Struggles

It's been a rough couple weeks here. As one of my daughters inherited my mental health issues and ADHD she takes medication to help manage it. Well, she's supposed to anyway. I found out this past weekend that she hasn't taken it for two weeks and refuses to start taking it again, which would explain why she has been so difficult. It could also explain why she hasn't felt well. Yesterday she claimed she still didn't feel well but as she has missed 12 days of school I told her she had to go anyway. She flipped out and flat out refused to go! I was flabbergasted. I never would have pulled that with my parents. And what was I supposed to do, tie her up and drag her out the door? She's been extra defiant and oppositional lately, being rude, ordering me around, screaming at me when she doesn't get her way, and being extra, extra manipulative, and refusing to go to school was just the tip of the iceberg. So today if she refuses to go again I have to call the truancy officer which means taking her to court and then she's going to have a record.

*sigh*

All of this is making my issues 10 times worse and I am so stressed and depressed I just don't know what to do. My anxiety is off the charts and my agoraphobia is worse than usual. I might have to call a social worker to come in. I wish I could get a social worker for her and some respite care. They have this thing were they send kids with behavioral problems away to a farm for the weekend and they have to work the farm for 2 days but I don't know how to access that. I need to do something though, these behavioral issues have to stop. She might appreciate her home life a bit more if forced to do hard labor on the weekends. I think it's time for a bit of tough love. Nothing else is working.

If I wasn't so loathe to bother my parents and burden them with this I'd ask my dad to come over and get her to school. If grandpa showed up at the door (he's 6'3 and a bit intimidating) she'd be dressed and ready for school in seconds.

I know that if she refuses to go I have to call the truancy officer, but I'm so reluctant to have that on her record. But, I don't know what else to do, I can't just let her stay home forever.

So, yeah, that's what's been going on here. Not the most uplifting post, I know, but I had to get this off my chest.

Just an Update

We are still sick over here at Plaza de la Plague. Have to take one of my girls into the doctor's today as she's been sick for over two weeks. Now she's running a fever, which isn't good. So, we see the doctor this afternoon. That will give me time to rest up for the visit as I feel like I've got one foot in the grave. I had a bit of time where I felt better, but now I'm feeling awful again.

I normally don't think of myself as being old, in fact despite the aches and pains of the fibromyalgia I feel quite young. My body may be older than it's years, but my mind is young. But then, I found myself using the term 'newfangled' the other day. That's something that old crabby men say, not hip young chicks like me!

So there's really not much going on, we've all been lying around like big lumps cuz we feel crappy. Well, the eldest isn't sick anymore, but she's been so tired still that she's been sleeping a lot.

Speaking of which, today is my eldest daughter's birthday!! She turns 18 today! I'm going to take her soon to get her birthday present but I can't say what it is yet cuz she doesn't want anyone to know until she has it. So, for now, mum's the word.

She wants to move out like now, cuz she's sick of sharing a room with her sister but I told her she can't move out until she graduates, at the earliest. I don't want her trying to work full time to be able to afford to live on her own while she's still in high school. I really want her to stay longer than that, for at least her first year of college, but she's adamant that she will not share a room with her sister past graduation. I'm hoping she'll change her mind but until then that's where it stands. Although there has been some talk of her moving in with my mom since they have a spare bedroom downstairs, and that would be ok. But, we'll just have to wait and see how it plays out.

K, I'm off now!

Laters!

Movie Time

I can't believe it's Sunday already. It seems like two minutes ago I was sitting on the couch thinking TGIF!

Watched An American Werewolf in London last night. It was pretty good, I enjoyed it. There were some pretty funny parts ("I didn't meant to call you a meat loaf, Jack!") Now I have to see An America Werewolf in Paris. After I watched that I was in a werewolf kinda mood and watched Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, which I've seen several times now and it just gets better every time. I love the Underworld movies. I missed Kate Beckinsdale in Rise of the Lycans though. She's awesome. Scott Speedman's pretty good too as Michael the vamp/werewolf hybrid. I want to rent some old vampire movies too like Nosferatu.

My daughter has P.S. I Love You that she ordered from Netflix, but I'm not big on the chick flicks so I'll probably skip that. I have Thank You for Smoking that I accidently put in the queue thinking it was Burn After Reading. Oops. But, Thank You for Smoking looks good too. I'll just have to put Burn After Reading next in my queue. I love Netflix.

One of these days I want to go on Hulu too since we don't have tv and I've heard I'm missing out on some good shows. Not like I have the time for that though. But, if I have a bit here or there I'll check it out.

Well, I'm off since I really have nothing exciting to say.

Laters!

Some Memes (or Forums)

I've decided to do some memes today. The first one is the Friday5 @ Friday5.org.

Here is the background story to these questions:

Background story: Some friends and I were talking one night about smalltalk and how what most of us want is to get past it and to find out what people really care about. We figured that if you could come up with the kinds of questions that don’t violate social conventions (taboo subjects, for example, or questions that are too personal) but give you an idea of what really matters to the other person, you could jump past smalltalk and get right to the good stuff. Here are five that we thought might work! One of the questions is very similar to a question posted in October three years ago, but that’s okay!

The five questions for this week are as follows:

1. What are the titles of the last 3 books you read all of?

The Wicca Handbook by Eileen Holland
Wicca: The Complete Craft by DJ Conway
The Goddess is in the Details by Deborah Blake

2. What are the titles of between 3 and 5 magazines you subscribe to or used to subscribe to? I don't subscribe to all of these now, but I used to.

Shambhala Sun
Writer's Digest
The Writer
Writer's Journal
SageWoman

3. What's on your night table? (we figured this one was borderline, since it involves the bedroom, but if the vibe is right and you preface the question with the background story I told above, you could make it work) On my night table is a glow in the dark statue of Buddha (it might be tacky, but I like it), some jewelry, a gargoyle (which I keep there all year), a Halloween snow globe, candles and some misc. junk.

4. What are the 3 best things that happened to you in the last 7 days? It's been a rather uneventful week as we've been sick so there isn't much that's exciting. I spent some time with my kids last night, which is always a highlight for me. Also I had some really good tarot readings that resonated with me. Yesterday was awesome cuz the kids were finally back in school and I had some time to rest and recuperate after having them home so much.

5. What was your senior yearbook quote, and what would your yearbook quote be this year if there were such a thing? I don't recall if I even submitted a senior quote. I hated high school and was all about getting out as fast as I could without looking back. In that spirit I'd have to say that my quote this year would be, "Thank Dog I never have to go back!!"

And, I'm going to participate in The Spin Cycle courtesy of Sprite's Keeper, a new blog I found. This week the theme is memes and forums-though I'm still not clear on the difference. Yes I'm a bit slow. So, I'm doing a meme (or a forum) with my favorite movie villains, cuz I love a good villain. These are some of my favorite movie bad guys and gals:

Bill from Kill Bill


Captain Barbossa from Pirates of the Caribbean

Imhotep from The Mummy movies

Mr. Blonde from Reservoir Dogs


Simon Phoenix from Demolition Man


Castor Troy Face/Off


The Wicked Witch of the West The Wizard of Oz


Ursula from The Little Mermaid

So those are my memes today.

Have a delightful weekend all!

Mabon, Illness, and Mental Health Awareness

Blessed Mabon all!

To non Pagans, that's the Autumn Equinox. Day and night are in equal balance and it is a time of harvest and thanksgiving as well as a time to prepare for the long winter months ahead. Many Pagans hold rituals on this day and celebrate the fruits of the season. I have my own personal ritual I plan on doing later.

Now that fall is here, where's the cold weather damn it?! It's supposed to be in the upper 70s all week. I want cold weather and lots of rain. Today is cooler than it has been and we've had some rain, but I don't think it's supposed to last long.

The youngest and I have been sick, which meant we had to miss my nephew's baptism this past weekend. I was not happy about that, but I didn't want to risk getting anyone, especially my nephews, sick. I'm very ready for everyone to be well again. Not only does the being sick part suck, but I was so happy to finally have my days back to myself and now one or the other of my kids has been home on and off since school started. I'm very tired of being sick and playing Nurse Mommy. *sigh*

In other news October 4-10 is Mental Illness Awareness Week courtesy of the National Alliance for Mental Health, or NAMI.



As most of you know, I am bipolar, something I struggle with daily. I also have PTSD and Anxiety Disorder. It makes life very interesting around here, especially since at least one of my children has inherited my mental illness and the other is being evaluated soon to see if she has as well. I'm not kidding when I say I live in the Loony Bin. ;-)

Unfortunately, there are many misconceptions concerning mental illness. Like how many people believe you can just 'snap out of it' if you try hard enough. Or if you just force yourself to do things like clean your house, or get out, it will go away. It doesn't work that way. Also, many people believe you shouldn't take drugs for mental illness, that it's all 'in your head.' Would you tell a diabetic to not take insulin? It's the same thing. Mental illness is a chemical imbalance that needs to be treated with medication. Yes, you use other tools as well, therapy, meditation, etc. but medicine is a part of treatment. I've had to be hospitalized several times because my meds weren't right. Now, even though we're still struggling to find the right 'cocktail' it's much better as I haven't had to be hospitalized for quite a few years now.

What people don't realize is how debilitating mental illness can be. How it affects your entire life and can incapacitate you completely. There have been many days where I just could not function at all on any level, when getting out of bed to go to the bathroom seemed an insurmountable task. Thank Goddess I haven't had one of those days for a while, but the mood swings and anxiety have been exhausting. I spend a lot of my days pretending that I'm fine because most people just don't understand. Which, maybe if I didn't deal with it on a daily basis I wouldn't understand either. Who knows. And I 'fake it' because I don't want to be a burden or a bother to my family and friends. The pretending is harder than the mental illness, let me tell you. It's like pretending you don't have two broken legs.

But, I digress. If you have a friend or family member that suffers from mental illness, give them a call. See how they are doing and truly listen, without judgment, when they respond. Maybe they need a non judgmental helping hand around the house or a babysitter for a night so they can decompress. There are so many ways you can help those in pain, but please, do it non judgmentally, out of love, because there's nothing worse than being judged harshly for something you can't control. We feel enough shame already.

Let's Do The Time Warp Again

I simply cannot believe how fast time flies. I don't ever even have a chance to stop spinning from one day before it's another again. I'm caught in this whirlwind of time that whips and twirls around me at dizzying speed and there's nothing I can do to slow it down. It's the weekend again already and before I have a chance to breathe from a very busy week it will be Monday again.

Stop the ride, I want off!!

So yeah, busy week. Didn't get any writing in but for one poem. Had a few appointments and sick kids home. So far this year, going on the 3rd week of school, I've already had sick kids home 5 days between the 2 of them. The youngest has some type of bug, but not the flu, thank goodness. The eldest has been very unstable emotionally and missed a couple days cuz of appointments and cuz one day she just couldn't stop crying. Hard to be in class when your sobbing uncontrollably.

So yeah, I feel so bad for her, but she seems to be doing a little better, at least she's not crying non stop. She has an appointment to see someone cuz they think she might have depression. I hope it's not bipolar. It doesn't seem to be, at least not to me. My youngest seems more bipolar than the eldest. She is going to be seeing somebody too. So, more appointments. But, they need it and it will be worth it. I hate that I passed my mental health issues onto my kids. But, I guess we all have our shit to deal with in life and my issues have made me into the person I am today, and I like who I am. Hell, I'm a Leo, I LOVE me!

So my daughter told me that I unequivocally can not answer 'Goddess bless you' when a Christian says 'God bless you' to me. When I asked her why she responded, 'Because it's off-putting and rude.' Well, I happen to think it's off-putting and rude for someone to assume that I am a Christian, or that I should be, when they say 'God bless you' to me. And I'm not saying it to be rude, I'm trying to bless them, but I see no reason why I should pretend I'm something other than what I am. I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam. I mean, whatever happened to freedom of religion? Of course, a large number of people only want freedom of religion when it's their religion, which ticks me off to no end and is a whole other show.

When my daughter bought her iPod touch (before we had wireless internet) she tried to patch into someone else's internet in our building. One of them had named theirs 'Get your own damned internet' which I thought was hilarious and just had to share.

My daughter's parakeet has definite tastes in music, which I think is funny. If she likes a song she will sing and chirp along with it, but if she hates it she starts screeching and squawking and furiously flapping her wings until you turn it off. She loves Megadeath, Godsmack, Mudvayne, and Guns N Roses--that's my kinda bird!! But, she hates Rob Zombie. Loathes him. Completely freaks out anytime I play his music. I usually have to use the headphones to listen to him or she squawks through the whole song. She also likes classical music, Jason Mraz and John Mayer. She likes some opera, but not all. Some of it she hates.

The first few days of school, the teachers actually gave me freaking homework! Me! I'm not the student. I graduated from high school *mumbles incoherently* years ago. My punishment is over, thank you! Jeez!

I'm anxiously awaiting October. I submitted an article for SageWoman magazine and they are considering it for publication but won't make the final decision until sometime in October. It's only $10 paid to me if they do published it, but I'm not so worried about making money as I am about building a portfolio. The better my portfolio, the better the money I might make. So yeah, I'm keeping my fingers crossed. It's the first article I've submitted and I'm a bit nervous about it.

And here is a vid for your viewing entertainment. I don't usually go for blonds, but Gwen Stefani is smokin'!



K, well, I'm off to answer some comments, I'm way behind on that.

Laters!

An Incredibly Random Post

The amount of time I spend online is scary. But between running 4 blogs, reading tons of blogs every day, posting and reading on writer's websites, and all the other various and sundry things I do online (*cough* Facebook *cough*), we're talking a huge time commitment. Not that I'm complaining. I love blogging, I'd be much more insane without it, and I've met some really nice people through my blogs and reading blogs. It's just amazing to me how much time it takes to do all that. Once I go back to school I'm not sure how I'll fit it all in!!

We went to a wedding reception last night for my cousin, which was nice cuz I got to see my 'rents, bro, sis-in-law and nephews. And the bride, of course. I felt bad though cuz I was in so much pain from shopping for new clothes with my mom on Friday (my mom is a power shopper!) that I could barely stay upright so I didn't stay very long. That and for some reason my feet were really swelled up to the point where I had deep grooves in my feet where my sandals were biting into them, which was not excruciatingly painful in any way. (sarcasm much?) But, I managed to make it for part of it so that's something I hope.

My bro is so funny. We were eating dinner and the DJ was playing this lame, mellow, mind-numbing music and he was all, "I feel like I'm on hold!" Which cracked me up to no end cuz it did sound just like the music they force you to listen to when you're held prisoner on hold for 8 hours and you feel like you're going to shoot somebody if you have to listen to it for one more minute.

But it was a nice reception and the dinner was good. And I got to wear all my new clothes. Well, not all of them, cuz that would have been hot and uncomfortable, not to mention silly, but I got to wear a new outfit. I love new clothes. My cousin looked beautiful and so happy. I was thrilled for her. I guess after I left and the DJ started playing good music my dad did the Chicken Dance AND the Hokey-Pokey. Now, that's something I'd have loved to see. My dad is a big guy, not fat, but big and tall (6'4) and the thought of him doing those dances cracks me up. But, I guess they got it on video so I'm sure it will go on the Christmas video my bro does every year.

One of my daughters is the kind of teen, like a lot of teens I suppose, who always has to have to last word, even in a casual txt conversation. Anytime we finish up what we are talking about, if I'm the last person to txt, she invariably has to txt back with 'yupp' just to be sure to get that last word in. I find that rather hilarious, though incredibly annoying during arguments. That doesn't make me want to tie her up an lock her in my trunk at all. Nope. Not even the tiniest bit. Of course, the gypsies are here now, they always come around about the time of the Ren Fest, so I could always sell the girls to them. Of course, I joked about that with one of my kids and she was all, "Sweet! Can I really go live with the gypsies?"

*sigh*

I love it when this same daughter 'cleans,' and it ends up messier than when she started. For one thing, instead of just picking up and putting things away she transfers everything from one location to another. Moving things from the floor to the kitchen table is a personal favorite of hers. Then she'll decide to clean out a closet or something and the closet will be super clean and spiffy but that's only cuz everything that was in it is then strewn all over the rest of the house. There have been times when I wished I could go sit in the clean closet and hide from the rest of the mess. And if I could fit in it comfortably, I probably would. Just set up a little chair and table for my coffee, grab my iPod and a book and I'd be all set to enjoy the cleanliness. She doesn't always clean that way, there are times she'll decide to clean the whole house and it will be spotless, but those times are few and far between.

She also can't seem to get the concept of putting away the cleaning supplies when she is done with them. Instead of just taking them out as she needs them and then putting them away when finished she takes them all out, one by one, and puts them in whatever room they will be needed. Then half the time she doesn't even finish using them and leaves them where I trip on them, which is always the highlight of my day, cuz like I don't fall enough on my own.

Did you know that it cost $7 million to build the Titanic and $200 million to make the movie about it? Just thought I'd share.

And I leave you with this video from Moulin Rouge. It's a bit racy, but it is a musical about a Brothel ya'll, so what did ya expect? ;-)



K, I'm outta here!

Laters!